Monday, 7 May 2007

Once again, this was written long before it will ever get to you. I now have computer access, but no way to hook it up to the rest of the world. But I’m not complaining: the computer has made life much different over here in my little hut.

I’m at school right now; it’s just before noon. I brought the computer to start showing my Form Es (they’re the seniors) Grammar Rocks from Schoolhouse Rocks (thanks for getting it to me, dad!). However, as happens here in Lesotho, we aren’t really having class today. We had a sports thing this weekend, and when I got to school at the normal time (7.20 for me), the campus was dead: no students anywhere. More people had arrived by 9, well past the half-past-7 assembly time, but not nearly everyone. The teachers mulled over releasing the kids, but the Ministry of Education (or MOE as it’s affectionately known here) was supposed to come, and if we don’t have school like normal, they could fine us.

At any rate, there’s crap to do. I hate teaching when only half the class is here because it’s a wasted lesson (gotta teach it all over again later), and I can’t go home quite yet, so here I sit, freezing my little fingers off in our interminably cold staff room. I’ve been reading and wrote in my real journal and all that good stuff. Then I entered more grades on Adam Livingston’s nifty little grading Excel sheet, then decided to jot down some things to pass to you later.

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School is still fine. I’m still not as into it as I was last year. I’m just trucking along. I would seriously go insane if this was what I had to do for the rest of my life. I want to see my babies get through their final, final exam and move on. My As and Bs are fun this year, but I’m tired.

Anthony and I are still doing wonderfully. We’ve been together “officially,” we think, since November 18th, so it’s been a while, and even though I never thought it possible, I think we fall more in love each time we see each other. I’m hesitant to talk about it for some reason, but trust me when I say that I feel things for him that I’ve never felt for anyone before, or from anyone for that matter…it’s different.

I hope I can get more pictures up this trip; depends how much the internet costs in Underberg. [N.B.: I thought I’d get internet while we were in Underberg on our way to the Buddhist Retreat Centre in Ixopo. I went there Easter of 2006, and I loved it. It was great this time too; will get to that in a bit.]

My boss, the best boss I’ll ever have in my entire life, is leaving us to go to another post (Albania, I think) in July. That sucks. So he won’t be here when we leave, but hopefully he’ll have put all our ducks in a row for us so we don’t have to have much to do with the new guy. The new guy might be a blast, but he can’t possibly be better than Hill. Albania’s a lucky country.

We made some new friends in Fouriesburg (berg or burg?), so if you’re ever in the neighborhood, go check out The Old Schoolhouse restaurant. (It’s out of the Butha-Buthe border post, Caledon’s Poort or whatever.) They serve delicious, organic/free-range foods and even have a cheap guesthouse where you can crash afterwards. Every month on the 25th, they have a themed night. We went to Irish Night, which was a blast, and we will have taken a few more friends for Bohemian Night in May by the time you read this. Lola & Dion are the best! (They’re our new friends, the owners/cook/staff of the restaurant/guest house.)

And I think I know my next calling, in terms of what I’m going to do after Peace Corps…I always seem to get callings in April…but time will tell. It’ll give me a heck of a lot to do when I get back.


So I still wish you guys all the best, and I hope everything’s going well for you.

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Sunday, May 13th, 2007

Yesterday afternoon, Anthony asked me to marry him.

And since I don’t have any close friends who live extremely near me and it’s a zillion Rands to call anyone, I figured I’d make the announcement here.

He asked our boss, Hill, about any possible restrictions (Peace Corps is as much of a big brother as any arm of the governmental services), but everything seems clear in the books. Our Basotho fathers are in line and ready to negotiate with each other (his dad’s supposed to call mine via my phone sometime, and my dad told Anthony yesterday morning that we’re having the wedding in October, so I guess it’s settled on our end). And Anthony even asked my father, the “real” one. I think he’s covered all the bases.

So with everyone’s blessing (and, no offence, but we’ve got all the ones we really need), I’m going to get married!

We’ll have a traditional ceremony here, and then start talking about what we’ll do stateside. I have a feeling it’ll be a while. We have something fun planned, but I think, like most couples, we need to figure out our next moves, sources of income, and long-term-temporary lodgings before we have a big ceremony. So it’ll be weird: we’ll actually be married before we leave Lesotho, but only in the eyes of those who wish to see it that way; it’s not legal in America until we get bloodwork and get a few things signed. We’ll consider ourselves married, at any rate.

He’s been working on a ring for me for a while. As you know, I don’t wear any metal, so he’s been secretly figuring out the best thing to use. His parents unwittingly brought him the material when they were here in April: it’s a wood called purple heartwood. He’s been carving it, and it cracked slightly last week because he’s working with extremely limited tools (a hammer and the knife of a Leatherman). So the ring’s not quite ready yet, but that’s okay.

I know I’m still a kid (we’re still kids) and I have a lot of choices left to make about my life, but Anthony is someone who’s on a similar path to mine and we’re headed in the same direction. Plus, he’s someone I can grow with, and we laugh all the time (except this weekend: he gave me his stomach bug and we were up most of the nights)…and we think it’s true, what they say about just knowing.

I also know you all will love him, so I think this will be a lot of fun!

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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

So this is the second snow day of the year. We’re supposed to be writing exams, but the general rule is that when snow’s on the ground, it’s too cold for school. Some rooms don’t even have all their windows.

Exams have been hell. The copier was broken, so we had to start late. Then the generator broke, so we had to postpone. It’s basically one of three daily options during exams: postpone, delay an hour or so, or scramble madly to staple a couple hundred 3 to 6 page exams 5 minutes before writing time. Yippie.

I’ve marked most of mine; I only have 2 batches left to go. So no big deal for me. School officially closes on the 13th (next week, hooray!), and then Anthony comes up here on the 14th, and then I hope we’ll be together until school starts again on the first of August.

And then it’s only 4 months left! Ack!

(By the way, just to remind you: it’s a snow day, sure, but I don’t have electricity or running water, so it’s kinda like camping with a gas heater and having to poo in the snow, although my latrine isn’t filled with snow, so maybe it’s a bad comparison.)

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Nothing else much is new. I’ve been trying to figure out some things in my own head, and in the process of that, I’m trying to reach out to people who were there when things went down. I’m not even sure what I’m asking for; something just tells me that one of these people has a piece of the puzzle that I lost some years ago.

To close, I’ll share with you a small article I’m submitting for our newsletter here. Maybe it’ll give you some insight as to what’s going on with me.

I love you guys and hope you’re all doing well. Thanks for still reading this.

Love always,
-TKao

(Hehe, and as my dad pointed out, my new initials are gonna be AMP. Kinda funny.)

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A Visit from the APCD
by PCV Allison Matlack

“We usually like to ask a question to volunteers at about this time: What positive changes have you observed based on your service here?”

The question was something like that. Ntate Clement and ‘M’e Malitaba sat in the two available “kitchen” chairs across the rondavel from me as I sat on my tiny bed. My hands unconsciously gripped the edge of the foam mats.

“Uh….”

“We know it can be hard to see substantial changes right now, but try to give us some examples.”

What positive changes had I affected? I’d only been there a year and four months or so, and I was supposed to spontaneously make a list of all the “great” things I had done?

The only things that came into my head were failures, mistakes. The times my American-ness got in the way. The times I’d reacted more emotionally than I should have. The times my kids failed their tests. The times I was lied to; the times I’d had to lie. The times I drank too much, not always in the best places or with the best people. The times I’d stayed home when I could have been doing something more, something better. The times I’d stood by and watched children being teased for no reason or beaten by my co-workers; the times I’d had them beaten. The times I’d shouted at my kids; the times I’d been frustrated and walked out on them as a last resort.

Positive changes?

“Well, they finally finished the girls’ toilets, so I’d say that’s a positive change, but it’s not really a result of my service.”

And then slowly things started to trickle in. How my kids don’t hide behind their hands when they talk to superiors anymore. How members of the staff are now confident enough to address the administration with their opinions. How the kids are given opportunities, like going to town to get career advice, that they wouldn’t have had without me. How energized and empowered our students emerged from Speak A.L.O.U.D. How my kids are starting to think on their own, and how they’re starting to have dreams and the belief that they can make them a reality. How much love I’ve known in the midst of such pain and confusion, and how much suffering that has made me a stronger woman.

I’m not the best English teacher in the world. I’m not the best teacher in general, but I do try. I make mistakes, in the classroom and in the office, but I know how to admit them and learn. I’ve spent an entire year integrating, forming relationships, becoming immersed in this place and this culture. And I’ve spent another four months pulling back, observing, assessing, somnambulating in a lot of ways.

Positive changes?

“I will know that I am a successful Volunteer when…,” says the Personal Definition of Success in the Staging Workbook I haven’t looked at since staging, “I am loved by the people around me, when I reach an individual and know that I’ve helped him, when I am no longer considered a tourist or a ‘wealthy American,’ when I can feel welcome to call on others and they feel welcome to call on me, when I feel happy, when I feel safe, when I am healthy, when I make a difference somewhere with someone, when I can hold a long conversation in Sesotho. 3 concrete indicators: contentment, love, wisdom.”

Contentment, love, wisdom. I’ve had all three during my stay in Lesotho, though not always all at the same time, and not always for long stretches.

Am I a successful volunteer?

It’s a comfort to know that—even if I don’t always feel like I am, even if I can’t pinpoint a single positive change I’ve affected in the people around me—the little girl I was before I got on that plane would think I’ve become a very successful volunteer.

And, really, I didn’t come here to change the world. I came to let the world change me.

I have certainly been changed, positively.

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Sunday, 1 July, 2007

Well, I apologize for this REALLY long entry. I’m sure it flooded the friends’ pages of a couple people. But that’s okay. I thought I’d get to internet in Underburg, but the only option was R1 a minute, and probably on dialup, and I’m just not that desperate. This will go out at the end of the month, hopefully on the 21st of July.

We’re going to Scottish Night in Fouriesburg (free whiskey tasting, guys!) on the 20th, then to Maseru from the 21st to 26th (a couple day trips planned: Bloemfontein to see a movie since we heard Shrek 3 is out and Ladybrand for groceries), then hopefully to our pal Tim’s place. We want to check out his boat that you have to ride across the river to get to his house. Nifty.

Time is flying. We had a GREAT time at the BRC, very affirming and calming for both of us. I settled a lot of those things in my head and am moving on in a certain way. I guess I got a kind of permission to let things go. Our transportation was crazy, but a lot of kind people helped us out, so it all fell into place. But that’s another story.

What else…we’re lounging, reading, exercising, meditating. Nice, slow days. Going to town tomorrow to say farewell to a lady ending her 2 years in the next couple weeks, then walking over to Libby’s place to spend the night. Anthony will leave at the end of the week to go home for a bit and get settled, then he goes to Maseru for a few days, then I’ll join him before we head off on the last leg of our trips.

Then school on the first of August, and then I’ll be 27. Krikey. I’m old!

I’ve been thinking more and more about what happens when I get back, and I think, after all this time, I’m ready to let most of the people in my old life go. Monkey and I talked a bit about cutting ties way back before he left Boone. I didn’t really want to cut ties, but now I think I do. It’s an odd but releasing and freeing feeling. I think it comes down to not making the effort. If people want to find me, they’ll find me, and if not, then I’ll just find the people I want to find and not bother with the rest. Easy enough.

But I still love you all, here or there or everywhere in between.

Oh, and nevermind about the CDs I asked for a while back. Nobody sent ‘em, but my pal Amy went back to the States for a wedding last month and brought them back for me.

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Tuesday July 10th

Well.

Yesterday, I attended my 7th funeral in the past year and a half. This one was for the mother of one of my kids. I attended her father’s funeral last year (that was the 2nd funeral I attended).

My mother here said that when the girl’s father died, she talked to the mother about getting an HIV test, but the lady didn’t want to hear it. “They’re afraid,” said my mom. “They don’t want to live.”

And something related to that ended up in my family not going to the funeral. I asked why, and she said something about the lady not wanting them at her house, but I’m still unclear. I asked if I should still go and she said yes, “It’s your child.” Still weird.

It wasn’t the most emotionally draining I’ve been to, but I think they get harder every time. I wonder how many more I’ll be attending in the next 6 months.

And before I went, I texted one of my friends (dunno if she wants this to be common knowledge) to say I was going to the funeral. She responded by telling me our doctor told her there’s an 80% chance a funky mole on her body is skin cancer and she’s getting a biopsy on the 31st.

WTF? We’re in our mid-20s. (I can’t say early 20s anymore, can I?) Cancer isn’t supposed to even enter our local vocabulary for another 20 years. I’m pretty freaked out by it, and I can’t even imagine how she feels.

CRAZY.

Be well.
-TKao

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Today.

Okay, on a paid computer again...apparently, as our IT expert and I discovered, my security and PC security are no longer compatable! My USB drive has a pword protection on it run by a partitioned second drive which the PC computers won't allow to run, so here I am again...bah. At least it's only R5 per 30 minutes this time.

About to go to the eye doctor again to get an update.

Things are good. New boss is equally as cool as the old one, so that RULES. (He's even wearing a purple shirt today, and he greeted us in Sesotho, which rocks, seeing as he's only been here a few weeks.)

Had some good letters lately...thanks guys. You should be getting replies soon.

Bought plane tickets. Leaving Jo'burg on the 19th to get to Rome on the 20th; leaving Rome on the 8th of January to get to NYC on the 9th, where hopefully Monkey will pick us up and hang out with us for a few days. :) (It was $1,000 more expensive to get to NC....)

So there it is!

Getting married here in October, if we can talk our boss into it.

Wedding dress being sewn right now.

Sending dad grad school apps right now....

Things are falling into place!

Love always,
-TKao